After my Last Trip to McDonald's I was inspired to write this:
The following is a compilation of observations I have made over the last 4 years. It's a satirical look at our peers and our children's peers. The stereotypes presented are not in anyway meant to represent one single person living or deceased. (Ok that last part might be a lie there are definitely real people written about in here, but you don't know them personally and neither do I.)
America is the melting pot, and there are few places that demonstrate that fact better then ..... Mcdonalds Playland. Mcdonalds Playland, it really is dinner and a show, sometimes an interactive show and sometimes a really bad interactive show.
There are those of you out there, some who are reading this right now, who have excommunicated the playland from you and your children's lives, and I cast no stones at you, and you are probably right there probably is a chance that Swine Flu, Diphtheria, and the Bubonic Plague are all hanging out in those hamster tunnels. But that's not what I'm writing about today. I'm writing about the people and their offspring that inhabit (if for only 25 minutes at a time) the florescent pink tubes under the golden arches.
I believe that most people at the Mcdonalds Playland lay low, just eat their fries round up the kids and go... But there a few people that stand out.
From my observation the types of people that frequent the land of play break down into 8 categories as follows:
The Newbies... This is really more of a hazing ritual then a type of person, everyone there has been the newbie. The vast majority of the hazeing rituals involve climbing into and up to the very top of the maze smelling like a combination of feet, ketchup, & wet dog and retrieving a screaming 18 month old who has been paralyzed with fear for the last 11 minuets, refusing to go down the slide with any good Samaritan 7 year old you send up there with sucker from the bank. When this is happening to you, keep in mind we've all been there before, and most of us will politely look away and say under our breath....Thank God this time it's not me.
The Techies... These are the women who have already updated their FB status, replied back on 3 emails and watered all their crops in farmville before unwrapping the hamburger that their flailing armed 24mth old is trying to reach but instead stuffs an entire straw wrapper in her mouth. This is
HER TIME, she came here to get a good 40mins of wifi and check out the rumors regarding the new American Idol Judge while talking on the phone to Kelly, Sara, Mom and Pauly, you know this because regardless of the fact that she is sitting across the room, you can hear her plain as day. The only people SHE can't hear are her kids, Yelling "Mom! Look at me! as the little rug rats have crawled outside the play structure and are now hanging upside down from the rafters.
The Bree's... As in Desperate Housewife Bree, You spot her easily because she always has wipes and antibacterial gel on hand. All the other mom's are dressed in Yoga pants, a pony tail and most likely a fresh ketchup stain somewhere on their shirt. She is wearing a sweater set and pencil skirt. Her children are also dressed as though they just came from a tea party in the white house garden. She brings her own silverware, and spends the majority of her time disinfecting her 2.5 children after each ride down the slide and reminding them not to get their play clothes dirty. They spend the least amount of time there, because she's secretly afraid that some of her friends from the country club might spot her luxury class SUV in the parking lot and the 3 year old has violin practice at 1:15.
The Mom's With Agenda's (MWA's) - Her Child is special.... very special.... no seriously, way more special then your child.... and she sees this as the perfect forum to let everyone know that 6 yr old Jonny just scored a 2,100 on his SAT, this weekend he will single handedly be building a Habitat for Humanity Home, and after lunch he has a conference call with some of the Doctors at the Mayo because he is pretty sure he discovered the cure for cancer in his sandbox. Jonny has a tendency of getting beat up in the far recess's of the tunnels so they stay only slightly longer then the Bree's and are pretty easy to spot driving away, because the whole bumper of their car is decoupaged with "Student of the Month" Stickers.
The Beyonce's ... These are some of the most entertaining. They desperately want someone to put a ring on it, and this trip to Mickey D's might just land them Baby Daddy number 3. High heels, short skirt, extensions on hair and lashes. Her priority is to look good and look good looking good.
She is pretty much no harm to anyone, unless you grabbed the booth next to the General Manager of Office Max, then her eyes will cast daggers. All you can do is shake your head, and wonder why she doesn't see BIG RED FLAGS when setting her sites on grown man without children sitting
in a Mcdonalds playland area.
The Could Care Less Moms ... These I believe are the worst ones of all, and as the apples don't fall far from the tree. It's mostly likely their children that YOU will have to deal with, because honestly she doesn't care. She doesn't care that you forgot socks and shelled out the 2 bucks so you would be in compliance of the Mcdonalds code of conduct, written in 160pt Helvetica Purple for all to see. She's not going to. She doesn't care if her 4 year old just climbed the wrong way up the slide with an entire twist cone and proceeded to smear it against the clear plexiglass at the top of the tunnel. And she doesn't care that her 13 year old (who is now a foot above the cut off height at the entrance) has taken the matchbox cars out of the happy meals and is hurling them down the tube slides towards the unsuspecting victims below. But she does care if you use the slightest bit of verbal discipline towards them, and she will let you, everyone else around you, management and if need be the authorities know that she alone, not the village is raising her children.
The Grandparents ... God Bless them. When they were young, fast food was literally going out to the woods and trying to catch your supper. They have worked hard all their lives, trying to forge a better
life for their offspring. And now the fruit of the fruit of their labor is barking orders at them from atop the swirly slide refusing to go home, and all Nana and papa can do is throw hot apple pies at the situation trying to lure the little hijacker down.
And Finally The Dads... Ha ha... they thought this was going to be easy, after all their wife does it. Run in grab some food let the kids wear themselves out while he enjoys a Big Mac and catches up on the sports section. No need for the diaper bag, what could possibly go wrong... Fast forward 13 minutes to the look of shear terror on his face after witnessing his toddler who just had a blow out diaper smear her way down the slide followed by the 5 year old who after realizing he was covered in his sisters diarrhea, vomited his entire lunch all over himself, and the pile of kids shoes on the floor. That was his last time inside the restaurant.
I honestly hope this does not deter anyone from going to Mcdonalds. Learning to coexist if only for a half hour with people who think you are as crazy different as they are can only bring more understanding to the world we all live in.
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